Kings of the Forest

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like bears (fishy halitosis, anger management issues, and their lazy, can’t-stay-awake-for-winter-like-the-rest-of-us behavior to name a few), but now I’m adding their complete lack of participation in fatherhood to the list. They look cute hawking products like toilet paper and fabric softener, but I’m telling you: DO NOT get involved with a bear.

First of all, male bears are the commitment-phobic, Hugh Hefners of the forest. One minute you’re snuggling in the den and they’re all, “You’re the only bear for me, baby,” and the next minute they’re slobbering all over their smelly, unkempt fur when a younger sow with wider birthing hips saunters by. It doesn’t matter if the bear looks like Brad Pitt in a bear suit because even the ugly playboy bears will love you and leave you.

Second, bears are big time stalkers; as in, creep-behind-you-for-miles-while-you-forage-for-food-and-protect-your-cubs kind of stalkers. And then, even if you let him get close enough to talk to you (dumb decision on your part), he might eat your cubs to gain unfettered access to your gene pool. Even with the whole Circle of Life thing, nobody needs to live in fear of a father who might turn you into an hors d’oeuvre just so he can hook up a booty call in the woods.

Also, bears are jealous jerks. A male bear lacks the social skills and emotional intelligence to have good buddies, but even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t think twice about clawing the flesh off his wing man if the right lady bear walked into the bar. Not good fatherhood material here, people.

So we have commitment-phobic, stalking, jealous, playboy bears who would rather eat their offspring than reap the rich rewards of fatherhood. Also, they pee on their feet and walk around hoping the scent will make you swoon. These aren’t exactly the qualities that earn you a “World’s #1 Dad” t-shirt on Father’s Day whether you’re a bear or a man.

Maybe Fatherhood just isn’t for every male – bear or man. Fatherhood is for the man who wants to keep his cub safe inside a bubble all her life, but cultivates her talents and confidence to make a difference in the world outside her own forest someday.

It is for the man who catches you when you fall and pushes you higher still.

It is for the man who works hard every day, maybe even with little appreciation, to take care of his pack.

While we often don’t realize how selfish we are until we become parents, Fatherhood is for the man who knows this and yet chooses to save the very best of himself for the ones he loves the most, even after a crappy day in the forest.

This weekend, we celebrate fathers (except bear dads because they suck). Give your dad, someone else’s dad, ANY dad a big bear hug and tell him you appreciate his selflessness.

Happy Father’s Day,

~Ali